Chaotic Randomness

Feeling so bad tonight =(  I don’t know what to do.  99% of me just wants to suicide so I won’t have this pain.  But there’s an annoying 0.1% that doesn’t want to, has some kind of hope, I guess.  The other 0.9% is undecided.  Voices are bad for the past 2-3 days.  Not just my regular 2 voices, but a whole bleacher/grandstand full of my ’sometimes’ voices.  They are all going, along with H & J my 2 regular voices.  They keep looking at me, staring at me.  I want to get away, but can’t.  I wish I could just go away and leave them behind somewhere…have a different life.  I sometimes want to go and live somewhere no one knows me, even if it means living on the street.  People don’t like to look at homeless people, espcially ones who talk to people no one else can see or hear.  If I hadn’t ever found my husband, I probably would have done this by now…years ago more likely.  But he’s my anchor, keeping me close so I don’t drift too far.  But even with him here, not at work, I feel alone.  Lost.  Scared.  Confused.

I went to 2 of those ’suicide pages’ that are supposed to help you with facts and a bit of personality, before deciding, or whatever.  Both of them said “Pain is a feeling, just like relief is a feeling.  You can’t feel when you’re dead.”  I don’t care about FEELING relief, I just want the shit to stop.  I had actually read one about a year ago, and I didn’t react like this to those words.  I don’t know what’s changed, but obviously something has.

I don’t know anything anymore.  Or maybe I never did, and am now just realizing.

I’m so tired of pain, of every persuasion. =(

I keep adding to my list of prescriptions, but none have deadened the pain.  The voices are back, a few weeks ago, I lost touch with reality…completely.  My husband doesn’t want me to go back to the hospital, so I haven’t brought it up. =/  The fact that he doesn’t want me to go back has me thinking…what if I don’t need it?  My voices have been telling me for weeks that everyone thinks I am faking and are growing tired of it and me.  Am I faking it?  What if I am?  Could I fake it?  But how can it be fake, when it doesn’t feel fake?  When it scares the shit out of me, how can it be fake?  But what if it is?

I don’t think I know anything anymore =(