Chaotic Randomness

I thought it was bad before…its soooo much worse right now. I feel like complete and utter shit. It is agony to move, its agony to sit, lie down, stand up. I want to lay down and die, I want to just cry and cry until I die. I want it to fucking stop.

Not literally, of course. But they are HUGE, hot and I can barely walk on them. When I do it hurts so bad I want to puke. Plus they keep trying to give out. Fucking lovely. >.> I think that’s all I’m–no wait I remember what else. I’m tired of being the fucking Bank. Anytime anyone is out of money, they come sniffing and asking me to bail their asses out. They know I like to always have a least a little bit of money in case there is an emergency, and my husband doesn’t even TRY to watch his spending, because he can just come get some from me if he runs out. Its pissing me off. Guess I’ll have to stash it and say I don’t have any so they will leave me the fuck alone about it. -.-;;

Why am I indecisive about everything? I want to die, but conversely part of me doesn’t…I can’t figure out who is right. So I do nothing–make plans that I always push back. Then I’m just stuck with the same shit, plus I end up feeling worse about myself for being so indecisive and dumb. Its a clear cut decision, its not complex D= But I MAKE it complex. ‘Maybe if I get help’ or ‘maybe if I can just ignore it’ or ‘maybe if I pretend I don’t have abnormal problems’ or ’since no one likes to hear about it, I’ll just work it out within myself’ or ‘this is bullshit, no one else needs this much help–why should I?’ and I don’t think I deserve it, I’ve had it in my head and believe for Many Many years that I would die at my own hand… so the love, help, attachments, meds, resources-wouldn’t they be better invested elsewhere? Why should I use the resources up if its not going to ultimately help and I will not have given back anything anyway. I don’t think if I DO get help I will enjoy anything anyway, and I’ll still see and hear (etc) the shit I do now. So, what is the fucking point? Does anyone know? Does it matter? If I don’t believe there is a point, is there one?

I called a treatment center I went to and told the lady who answered a little about the shit and she thinks I should go to the ER and get admitted somewhere. Part of me agrees, I Need help–I can’t do this alone. But why should I get it if I’m going to die anyway, it doesn’t matter, does it? If I accept help isn’t that implying that I will TRY and ‘be good’ and do all the shit I’m supposed to… Which, when I have it like that–it sounds fucking retarded. Dx If there is a way out, shouldn’t I take it and at least TRY it? But again, back to the basic pointlessness……..

Fuck, fucking shit, motherfucking cocksucking bastard…I don’t know what to DO. And it seems its my own fault. If I’m at fault, I deserve it–part of me believes that. Part of me doesn’t Want to believe that, though. And the stupid ass mother fucking cycle continues. Dx

Random CnPs
People who have suicidal thoughts may not seek help because they feel they cannot be helped.

I have 8 of the listed things that ‘increase your risk of suicide’

Do you think about suicide much of the time? Yes–If you are unable to reach your health professional immediately, go directly to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Take all warning signs seriously, even if the suicidal threat or attempt seems minor. Take any conversation about suicide seriously, even the person mentions it in a joking manner.

Since a suicidal person may feel he or she cannot be helped, you may have to take an active role in finding a health professional and getting the person to the appointment.

Follow up to find out how the person’s treatment is going. A suicidal person may be reluctant to seek help and may not continue with treatment after the first visit with a health professional.