Dual concerns….
One, I was watching a ghost hunting show earlier that my husband had on, between reading a few pages of a book…I would look up if something sounded interesting. I should have just had my ipod on like usual. There was a video clip of a shadow, a solid shadow. Theirs looked thin and female, but it still frightened me. Not that I could see it, but because the video camera caught it, evidence of its reality. Its was, in essence, like my own Shadowman. I got hot in a flash of recognition, then chilled as I realized how real it had to be to show up on video. I’ve been better in that regard lately, with a litany of ‘he’s only real to me’ kind of thoughts. But if that one was caught on video, there /has/ to be some reality, to that one, and also to mine. I started shaking and tears oozed slowly out of my eyes as that sank in. I held it together enough that my husband didn’t notice, even though I reached over to touch him. I came so close to saying something, but I know how upset and impatient he gets about this type of thing that even though I wanted to say it out loud…so badly, so he would have an inkling of what it is that I see…I didn’t because he wouldn’t like to hear it. He says that there isn’t anything I can’t tell him, but his actions negate those words, have repeatedly, and so in that sense, I don’t trust what he says. Its almost 5 hours later and I’m just starting to settle down enough to think coherently, type with any kind of intelligibility. My heart rate was very accelerated, I was hyperventilating–not enough to lose consciousness, just enough to feel dizzy and disconnected. My stomach was fluttery and I felt quite sick. Now my heart rate is only slightly accelerated, my breathing even enough, my stomach is only in a mediocre knot, and the band around my chest/lungs is maybe 40% of what it was at peak.
As to the other concern, it was from earlier this evening, before the first concern was anything at all. I don’t like reality, and I don’t know for sure that I want it…it doesn’t feel like I do. Of course that is a topic of debate I get to hear about, and the division isn’t like usual. Usually the more sadistic and twisted of them will jump on any bandwagon that causes me stress, worry, fear etc. But there is usually the better ones, the nicer ones, who cause dissention. Trying, some of them, to be rational. One of them is hardly ever me, I basically have little opinion on anything…opinions known to the darker ones are loaded weapons handed over, eagerly accepted for their own means and ends. I suppose one of them is actually me, I’ve just distanced myself enough that I can say the opinion isn’t mine…but I don’t know for sure. Just a conjecture. But the division in ranks wasn’t as expected…one of the sadistic ones was on the con side of the arguement. Which is odd, and unsettling. She never does that, and the fact that she did makes me extremely wary. I feel sincerity from her, though she doesn’t like it, but that also a red flag, signal of an impending trap…Maybe even doom. I don’t know how else to interpret her sudden shift to this side of the line, her defection from ranks…and it doesn’t sound like a full defection, just a temporary one, on this particular subject. I’m left with confusion and chaos, but the majority stands at ‘I don’t like reality, and I don’t think I want it anymore.’ Of course the only way to permanently escape is to let go and get lost inside the void inside me…which isn’t appealing in the slightest. But with no other options available, I could end up doing that. And that vulnerability to the whos and whats in my void is shockingly dreadful to fathom…that I must be very close to ‘insane’ if I can even contemplate that. But I do contemplate that, and not wholly fearful at all times. Which in itself makes it seem less troubling, but also, even more troubling at the exact same time. =3