Chaotic Randomness

I was feeling alright earlier…but now I don’t want to see anyone or anything. My usual kadding is not fun. Everything is pissing me off. I don’t know why, but it is. I’ve been answering the voices with “Like I fucking care?” all evening…or something very similar. I’m having severe number dsylexia…or something. I looked at the computer clock and I saw 1:02am. I looked a few minutes later and it was 8:32pm. I don’t know what the hell that is. Oh, I had a high school friend call me a few days ago, and haven’t called her back. What the hell am I supposed to say when she asks what I’m doing, what I’m up to? Oh, just sitting on my ass most of the time…talking to people who aren’t there?!? Yeah sure. My regular pharmacy doesn’t carry Enbrel ‘right now’ I don’t know what that means…but I called another tribal health pharmacy, further away. The pharmacist told me to call my doc and have him ’switch my meds to the other pharmacy’. So I did, the nurse sounded like I was retarded…explaining in very simple terms that she couldn’t transfer them…but would call in new ones. That’s what the pharmacist told me to tell her when I called. I don’t even care, I’ll be getting it. Tomorrow’s injection was my last one, I thought I was going to have to go without until the pharmacy got some in stock. That would have been LOVELY. The RA part isn’t doing overly well, as it is…can’t imagine going without again. Everything seems stupid to me, right now…I have no patience for anything. I just want to hurt something. ._. But I know I would end up hurting myself more than I could hurt anything else. Stupid RA *kicks*

Well, fingers want to quit typing, so I guess I’m fucking done bitching. I would love to fill pages, but it isn’t up to me.

Sometimes I want attention.

Sometimes I want to have people around me, even if I don’t feel like interacting.

Sometimes I want to go away.

Sometimes I want to hide.

Sometimes I want to be famous.

Sometimes I don’t have dreams for myself.

Sometimes I want to be invisible.

Sometimes I want to cry.

Sometimes I want a hug.

Sometimes I want to smash everything in sight.

Sometimes I want to scream for hours.

Sometimes I want a friend to talk with on the phone.

Sometimes I have nothing to talk about.

Sometimes I feel cute.

Sometimes I’m a bitch.

Sometimes I hate my life.

Sometimes I’m succint.

Sometimes I ramble.

Sometimes I want to express myself and have nothing to say.

Sometimes I can’t find the words.

Sometimes the words of my voices is all I can hear.

————–

Feeling so bad tonight =(  I don’t know what to do.  99% of me just wants to suicide so I won’t have this pain.  But there’s an annoying 0.1% that doesn’t want to, has some kind of hope, I guess.  The other 0.9% is undecided.  Voices are bad for the past 2-3 days.  Not just my regular 2 voices, but a whole bleacher/grandstand full of my ’sometimes’ voices.  They are all going, along with H & J my 2 regular voices.  They keep looking at me, staring at me.  I want to get away, but can’t.  I wish I could just go away and leave them behind somewhere…have a different life.  I sometimes want to go and live somewhere no one knows me, even if it means living on the street.  People don’t like to look at homeless people, espcially ones who talk to people no one else can see or hear.  If I hadn’t ever found my husband, I probably would have done this by now…years ago more likely.  But he’s my anchor, keeping me close so I don’t drift too far.  But even with him here, not at work, I feel alone.  Lost.  Scared.  Confused.

I went to 2 of those ’suicide pages’ that are supposed to help you with facts and a bit of personality, before deciding, or whatever.  Both of them said “Pain is a feeling, just like relief is a feeling.  You can’t feel when you’re dead.”  I don’t care about FEELING relief, I just want the shit to stop.  I had actually read one about a year ago, and I didn’t react like this to those words.  I don’t know what’s changed, but obviously something has.

I don’t know anything anymore.  Or maybe I never did, and am now just realizing.

I’m so tired of pain, of every persuasion. =(

I keep adding to my list of prescriptions, but none have deadened the pain.  The voices are back, a few weeks ago, I lost touch with reality…completely.  My husband doesn’t want me to go back to the hospital, so I haven’t brought it up. =/  The fact that he doesn’t want me to go back has me thinking…what if I don’t need it?  My voices have been telling me for weeks that everyone thinks I am faking and are growing tired of it and me.  Am I faking it?  What if I am?  Could I fake it?  But how can it be fake, when it doesn’t feel fake?  When it scares the shit out of me, how can it be fake?  But what if it is?

I don’t think I know anything anymore =(

I should really transfer my journal writings to here…there is much more to them, about me and what goes on. =/

But not tonight…maybe tomorrow