http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net Just rantings, ravings, random chaos of me and my 'mind' ¬.¬ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:54:52 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en I am all anxietied out. Feelings and similar crap doesn't matter-I can act the part, but I don't really give a shit about anything. I want to talk, but I have no idea what to say... Good thing I edit before I publish, I had wrong words in. Not that ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2009/06/22/what-to-do-what-to-do/ Sometimes, like today, I think the best thing for me is to be locked up and the key thrown away. Permanent or at least a couple years until the shit goes away. The confusion, pain, being mentally/emotionally stuck, the voices to shut the hell up, the ShadowMan to ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2009/06/16/throw-away-the-key/ I want to go away. Away from this house, the people in it. Their dramas, the stress, the theft, the yelling, the anxiety. Or would I find something else I wanted to get away from if I wasn't here? I just want to be /gone/. =[ http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2009/05/22/go-away/ One, I was watching a ghost hunting show earlier that my husband had on, between reading a few pages of a book...I would look up if something sounded interesting. I should have just had my ipod on like usual. There was a video clip of a shadow, a ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2009/05/14/dual-concerns/ I'm not feeling particularly angry or upset. But, I am thinking of killing people. Not that I can, physically, luckily for some people. Its nothing new, and I don't know what brought it back up, but its here. =3 I don't really like guns, so those ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2009/04/26/well-wellwhat-have-we-here/ I thought it was bad before...its soooo much worse right now. I feel like complete and utter shit. It is agony to move, its agony to sit, lie down, stand up. I want to lay down and die, I want to just cry and cry until I ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2008/12/29/worse/ Not literally, of course. But they are HUGE, hot and I can barely walk on them. When I do it hurts so bad I want to puke. Plus they keep trying to give out. Fucking lovely. >.> I think that's all I'm--no wait I remember ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2008/12/27/knees-are-killing-me/ Why am I indecisive about everything? I want to die, but conversely part of me doesn't...I can't figure out who is right. So I do nothing--make plans that I always push back. Then I'm just stuck with the same shit, plus I end up feeling worse about ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2008/12/01/what-the-fuck-is-the-point/ Right now I'm feeling kind of dizzy--not like vertigo, but a different kind of dizzy. Its similar to how I felt before psychosis before. I feel shaky and weak--but I'm not /actually/ shaking or more weak than normal. Overall, I guess I'm feeling weird, odd, off... I don't ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2008/11/29/dizzy-shaky-weird/ 2 years ago when I wrote here. Fucking crazy shit, everything is the same--some is actually worse. I don't even know where to begin laying out the similarities/differences between then and now. Just, shit, fucking believe me and at some point I might try to get into ... http://beautifulpain.psychcentral.net/2008/11/22/wow/